Epiphany

Well it dawned on me today that no one gives a fuck. I honestly don't know why I keep on, I know I need to be here for my girls but the fact that no one cares just reiterates that I would not be missed. They say out of all the people you share your problems with, 20% of them don't give a fuck and the other 80% is glad you have them. So as I have told people before, its not a matter of if I take myself out, but when. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

Letter to my wife

Melinda,


I was just sitting her thinking and I just have to get this out. First off, no matter what I say to anyone or how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I still love you, I always will. I am sorry for everything I did to you and I know I can never make them up to you no matter how hard I try. I am no saint and you are no angel, we both made very big mistakes, and I was hoping we could get over those and try to rebuild our family. I have told a couple of people that we are getting a divorce and they kinda get on my case when I still call you my wife, they say i need to refer to you as my ex, but those words are like bile when I say them. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it is jut not two words I want to string together. I never ever wanted to refer to you as my "ex-wife", I want to refer to you as my wife and friend. I know you don't love me anymore and my depression, and bi-polar was a big strain on our marriage, but I just can't get you out my head. I still see your smile when I go to sleep and I love seeing you in the mornings. I really want to start waking up next to you again because that was the only place I felt safe. I am not looking forward to the day you tell me you have met someone else, that is going to be hard to take, but I figure I come up with a way to get over it one way or another. There is always a way to get over things, may not always be the best way but there is. All I want is for you and the girls to be happy, I want to be there to see the happiness but I know it won't be with me and the girls are going to forget about me once you meet someone new and I will just have to hope you will email me pictures of them so I can see them. I know these words won't have any bearing on changing your mind about the divorce, but I just had to get them out.

I love you more than you will ever know and I'm sorry

Tony

DONE!

That's it, I quit, I'm done. I swear I just cannot catch a break, I miss work because of a hospitalization and I noticed that I never got paid for my disability leave. I call the disability people up and they tell me that the reason I did not get paid is because I wasn't out of work long enough, that the FMLA just basically protected my job. Yet the last time I was out for the same thing I got 60% of my pay, what the hell is the difference between then and now. Do I have a sign on me the says stick it to me? I must, because I seem to be getting the shaft every where I go. I have my mom who has throat cancer and about to go through some pretty intense chemo grilling me about my marriage, I am not gonna tell her I am getting divorced right now, and I kinda snapped on her about it. Good thing I had a friend who was willing to lend me the money so I had enough to cover rent this month. I just need something to go my way to prove to me that the freaking universe isn't out to get me.