Epiphany

Well it dawned on me today that no one gives a fuck. I honestly don't know why I keep on, I know I need to be here for my girls but the fact that no one cares just reiterates that I would not be missed. They say out of all the people you share your problems with, 20% of them don't give a fuck and the other 80% is glad you have them. So as I have told people before, its not a matter of if I take myself out, but when. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

Letter to my wife

Melinda,


I was just sitting her thinking and I just have to get this out. First off, no matter what I say to anyone or how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I still love you, I always will. I am sorry for everything I did to you and I know I can never make them up to you no matter how hard I try. I am no saint and you are no angel, we both made very big mistakes, and I was hoping we could get over those and try to rebuild our family. I have told a couple of people that we are getting a divorce and they kinda get on my case when I still call you my wife, they say i need to refer to you as my ex, but those words are like bile when I say them. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it is jut not two words I want to string together. I never ever wanted to refer to you as my "ex-wife", I want to refer to you as my wife and friend. I know you don't love me anymore and my depression, and bi-polar was a big strain on our marriage, but I just can't get you out my head. I still see your smile when I go to sleep and I love seeing you in the mornings. I really want to start waking up next to you again because that was the only place I felt safe. I am not looking forward to the day you tell me you have met someone else, that is going to be hard to take, but I figure I come up with a way to get over it one way or another. There is always a way to get over things, may not always be the best way but there is. All I want is for you and the girls to be happy, I want to be there to see the happiness but I know it won't be with me and the girls are going to forget about me once you meet someone new and I will just have to hope you will email me pictures of them so I can see them. I know these words won't have any bearing on changing your mind about the divorce, but I just had to get them out.

I love you more than you will ever know and I'm sorry

Tony

DONE!

That's it, I quit, I'm done. I swear I just cannot catch a break, I miss work because of a hospitalization and I noticed that I never got paid for my disability leave. I call the disability people up and they tell me that the reason I did not get paid is because I wasn't out of work long enough, that the FMLA just basically protected my job. Yet the last time I was out for the same thing I got 60% of my pay, what the hell is the difference between then and now. Do I have a sign on me the says stick it to me? I must, because I seem to be getting the shaft every where I go. I have my mom who has throat cancer and about to go through some pretty intense chemo grilling me about my marriage, I am not gonna tell her I am getting divorced right now, and I kinda snapped on her about it. Good thing I had a friend who was willing to lend me the money so I had enough to cover rent this month. I just need something to go my way to prove to me that the freaking universe isn't out to get me.

Money can't buy happiness?

Well I think that is the biggest crock of shit ever. Does Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Steve Jobs or any other multi millionaire/billionaire look like they are pissed off because they are so rich? Nope, they are happy as clams, I wish I could find that type of happiness, but apparently because I am just some balding overweight middle aged guy who has to work 2 jobs to make ends meet, it will never happen. I see all the idiots with billions of dollars in the bank on the news whining about the economy and how they only made 4 billion instead of 5 billion, well you know what I have to say about that? Fuck you, you fucking fuck, there I said it. Wanna make that extra billion back, then get together with all your billionaire buddies and set an initiative to give every household in America half a million, between all of you rich fucks you could do it and never miss it, then people would start buying your overpriced goods again and you will be making that lost billion back. Are a lot of people gonna spend it foolishly, of course but hey, that's their weekend. The first thing I would do is get the bariatric surgery so I can be skinny again, try to get the thinning hair fixed, get a nice car and some nicer clothes, then I might be able to attract a woman, because it is apparent in this day and age thats all women want, fucking money and shiny things. I don't think I am a bad person but apparently because I am not rich I am horrible and should not be given any time to. I am just sick and tired of being cheated on and blown off and just straight up ignored, it is very frustrating and I figure If I can get rich people will start to notice me. I an no angel I can admit and I am far from perfect and I am not looking for perfect, I just want happy. Therefore in order to find happiness I am gonna need a big bank account, maybe I should write these rich fucks and beg for money, Ill send a letter every week till they get tired of hearing from me and send me money, kind of like Andy did in the movie The Shawshank Redemption when he wanted the library....lol Oh well, I guess rich people are right to shun poor fucks like me.

Lonliness

Loneliness is the worst thing ever. I sit here wishing I just had someone to talk to. It seems like when I meet someone and they say they want to talk at a later time, they never follow through. It seems that when I meet someone, I become transparent. They seem to forget me and I end up lonely once again. I am so afraid of the whole dating thing because how do I know it is wont end up the same way my marriage did, me finding my significant other in bed with someone else. I try to convince myself that I am a good person and can be loved, but it gets really hard to do getting shot down so m any times. I meet a really nice person at a bar , she says she wants to talk again , but guess what, haven't heard from her. One girl at work i tired to become friends with won't even look me in the eye. I just don't know what to do. I guess I will just have to roll with the flow and see what happens.

Guilt trips

You know if there is one thing I hate more than others its guilt trips. For instance, yesterday I had made plans to go out to dinner with a few friends of mine and then after wards maybe a little Rock Band or play the Kinect. Well that all got changed at 3:25 when my wife called and asked that since I wasn't around most of the week if I wanted to take the girls fro the night while she went and did some Christmas shopping that apparently couldn't wait. I was in a real quandary because in my mind I am thinking she just wants to go out and get laid, then I am thinking, if I tell her no she is gonna use it against me sometime and someplace, so yes Katie, if you are reading this, I let her play me like a fiddle, just like I said people do when we were in group. I mean yes I am glad I got the time with my girls but at the same time, I work 2 jobs, I never get a night off other than Sunday and I need some time to blow off some steam. I mean its not like I was in Vegas or something, I was in the fucking hospital because I tried to hurt myself and don't remember it. I am so angry right now I want to punch something, I need something to help calm me down before I go to work. I fucking hate living like this, it is so hard to continue on every day knowing that people don't care and just play me and my emotions without a care in the world. I really hope that what they are doing to me makes them feel good and they enjoy it. I am just ready for it all to end.

Friendship

Friendship, a simple word yet very complex. You can't have relationships without friendship, if we weren't friends with others we would all be walking along alone and there would never be marriages and and there would never be any children born because we aren't friendly enough to procreate. I am the type of person who takes friendships very seriously, mainly because it seems that I have very few true friends. I am a loyal friend and will do anything for my friends, get hurt and need a shoulder to cry on? Call me. Get done wrong and want to get revenge? Call me. Just want to talk about your day and how you are feeling? Call me. The one downfall I have to all of this is sometimes if I make friends with a female it may come off that I want more than friendship, that is not true, if someone is going through a hard time I know the last thing they need is someone trying to hit on them. I mean yes there are some female friends that I have had thought of, if I  could be with them I could make them happy, but I also know that is not good for the friendship. I hate the fact of thinking that I lost a friend because I made them uncomfortable, that is the last thing I ever want to do, because we all need friends at times and the ones I have are very few, but very, very dear to my heart.

Closure

I came to the realization today while talking to my therapist that I just want it to be over. Not my life, but the life that I spent 14 1/2 years in. I want to close that chapter start a new chapter with the friends I have made over the course of the last week because I know with them I can be happy. Happy in knowing that they understand and won't judge me, nor will I ever judge them. I just listened to Poison's Something to Believe In, if you have never heard it, I recommend listening to it. I remember as a teenager when I was going through some of my toughest times, I bought the Poison album Flesh and Blood (Poison is my favorite band of all time by the way) and there were so many songs on that album that helped me get through some very dark times and bring closure to some of the stuff I needed help on. I used to put the tape, yes tape this was before I had a cd player, in my walkman, not even gonna try to explain that one..lol, and I would just lay down at night and just let it play over and over because it was the one thing that let me escape and be happy. Music has always been a part of my moods, like if I hear a lot of 80's hair bands I get really pumped up and excited, and there are also songs that really depress me, two being The Dance and Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. Now don't get me wrong I can get just as amped up to Garth as I can anything, but the one song of his that really speaks to me is The River, because the opening line is "A dream is like a river, ever changing as it goes, and the dreamer is just a vessel that must follow where it goes". I have always liked that song and I try to follow my dreams no matter where they lead me and I think I get way from that. There is one dream I have now, that I would give anything for it to come true, but if its not in Gods plans, it will not happen. I really want this to be in Gods plans, I guess all I can do is give my will to him and see where the river takes me.


If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.

Scared

I am scared right now . I have tried to keep myself busy for most of the day but I have seem to run out of things to do so I watched Dexter and now I have a college football game on. I seem to turn to sports, I suppose its better than turning to alcohol, that is the last thing I need right now. I called one of my friends at the hospital , whom I think I am bothering, but it was nice to hear a voice that knows what I am going through and is consoling. I think a lot of it is I am just so used to them all being there, now that they aren't it freaks me out. I am sure that feeling will go away soon, they all keep reassuring me that we wont lose touch, but i have been told that before and I have always been abandoned. Jazzy and Katie seem very sincere when they say it, so I hope this time is different. I wish I could have pets at my apartment, just to have another living thing in here, but with as little as I am at home, a pet may not be such a good idea. I wish I had people like Jasmines mom who went and spent time with her cat so it wouldn't get lonely. I wish I had someone who would just pop in to see how I am doing, but that is probably asking way too much. Maybe one day I will find the right person.

Day 2

Well its day 2 out of the hospital and I am trying to keep busy but I am running out of things to do. I just got my cell phone bill changed so it is not a family plan anymore, just an individual plan. i don't know what go up my wife's butt this morning, when I go there she said she was done with the kids and was invisible to them . I hlped them with the things they needed like food and juice, and them Melinda just left without sating goodbye to them, she always hugs and kisses them, but not today. That really upset them as it also upset me. I sent her a text asking her why she changed the cell plan at a time when I couldn't do it or stop her from doing it, maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want me to find out. I honestly don't care anymore. I noticed today that I didn't get that feeling I usually get when I see her and honestly don't think that I hardly even looked at her. She doesnt want me anymore, and I am starting to realize I don't need her anymore. As long as I have my new friends in my corner, I will be good. All I know is dating terrifies me, people aren't gonna want to get to know me because of my size. All I am looking for is a woman who understands what I am going through and just wants to be able to cuddle on the couch, just being at peace and one with each other